I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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