I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
