I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
