I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
