Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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