so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
