My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
