Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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