Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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