I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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