Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize