Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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