I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
