omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
