ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
