there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
