There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
