The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
