Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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