I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
