Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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