forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
