This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
