he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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