Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
We need to rekindle our bromance
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I think I sprained my soul last night
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
