i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
