You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
