i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
