I accidentally burped into my bong.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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