There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
