Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
