worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
