If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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