but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
