now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
