At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
