I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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