Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I need to align my fucking chakras
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
