got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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