I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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