I think my fart just growled at me.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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