I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
