Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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