Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
