Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
