I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
