So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
