i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
