theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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