when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
