sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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