Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
