really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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