Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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