In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
