How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
