When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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