That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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