If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
